DEFENSIVE ABOUT FEEDBACK

DEFENSIVE ABOUT FEEDBACK

 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1: 19).

For we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes.  (Romans 8: 28).

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.  (Romans 8: 1).

How well do you take feedback? Do you bristle, internally (or verbally) argue with the observer, or quickly search for a counter-punch? Christ put us into His body, and He ordained that we should help one another and maintain accountability with each other. When someone shares with you an aspect of yourself that you don’t want to accept, do you seriously reflect on it, take their perceptions into account, and make any necessary changes?

Openness to learn about yourself is essential if you are to grow and develop in your faith and in your life. It is especially important if you hope to influence others positively. As a person of influence, you often set the tone for the communication styles of those around you. If you are defensive, or if you portray a “know-it-all” attitude, that response will be contagious.

Yet sometimes when that’s happening, you don’t even know it. You may think you’re doing just fine, while others in your orbit are cringing or withdrawing.

If You Struggle With Taking Feedback, These Suggestions May Be Helpful:

1. Be ever aware of signals from others that answer the question, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” Even ask:

We often judge others by their actions, while we judge ourselves by our intentions! Despite our good intentions, we often come across in ways that are offensive or unhelpful to others. When this happens, shouldn’t we want to know it so that we can change it? Some are afraid of what they will hear if they do this. In the workplace, managers who not only conduct appraisals of employees but also ask employees to tell them how they can perform better enjoy greater respect. Team members who ask co-workers or bosses how they can improve inspire more cooperation and grace.

2. Realize that even unfairly negative criticism often contains a grain of truth:

It would be much more palatable if all feedback were delivered constructively. However, you sometimes don’t have that luxury. Even if legit criticism is not given tactfully, you may be able to learn from what the person is saying. Though there may have been some misperceptions or distortions, ask yourself, “What can I learn here about how my actions are perceived, and how can I improve my communications or behavior so that I have the impact I intended?” (I must add a note here: ignore hateful abusers whose sole goal is to tear you down! Their words may contain no truth at all!)

3. Fight the tendency to be defensive:

This is a tough one. Defensiveness can be expressed in words (e.g., “You don’t understand”; or “But…”) or in nonverbal signals (e.g., angry facial expression; tight lips; or tightly folded arms.  It’s hard not to show it when you don’t like or don’t agree with what you hear. Remember, though, that if you keep an open mindset, which will show up in your behavior, you’re apt to learn something you can use to continue to grow.

4. Don’t condemn yourself or let others condemn you:

It’s one thing to focus on a specific behavior that can be improved. It’s another to feel generally ineffective or bad as a person. In the latter case, you may become discouraged to the point that you don’t feel like trying. You may feel paralyzed, believing that it’s no use, that you’re a hopeless case. This is not true! So keep your focus on specifics, and make small steps in the direction of positive change. God says that there's no condemnation for the believer!

It's not easy to learn that others have mistaken your intentions or that they see you less positively than you’d like. With the exception of hateful abuse, the sharing of those impressions with you is a gift. Without such gifts, you’re likely to keep doing just what you’re doing and creating a negative impression that you never meant. As difficult as it may be, thank the person for the feedback!

Prayer:

God, grant me the grace to be willing to see myself through others’ eyes. Teach me to receive the gift of feedback without resentment or defensiveness. Thank You, Lord, for placing people around me who will share such valuable information with me. I truly want to grow, God, and become all that You want me to be. Help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.